HEATHER HOPES: Don’t Do It, Bro!

By HEATHER CATHLEEN COX
Special to the NEWS

Heather Cathleen Cox

So you’ve taken the plunge. You’ve shucked out the $29.99, and you’re now dating via the internet.

And, hey! There’s no shame in that, necessarily. If there is, I’ll wear my shame right alongside the rest of you. Some evenings, I can be found perusing a certain dating website which shall remain nameless.

Now, before you go and read the following information, I must let you know two things: 1.) I’m no dating expert. Rather, I am a woman with a functioning brain who has observed the behaviors of multiple heterosexual men vying to find online love over the past year, roughly; 2.) It should be duly noted that I’m not telling anyone how they can find love online. If I knew that I’d be working for The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger (shout-out, Patti!! I love you!). Instead, I’m merely reporting on some things you shouldn’t do if you’re a man who is serious about finding love online.

So here are Heather’s 13 online dating don’ts for men (women to follow soon):

1.) Do NOT post a picture containing a man who is better looking than you are.

Hey, no one’s perfect. And it’s great you’re secure enough to be seen with this Greek god in the first place… I’m sure you love it when he gets all the hot girls and leaves you with hot wing juice dripping down your chin at parties. That’s terrific you’re so evolved. But go ahead and crop Mr. Hottie out of the photo entirely. Yes, entirely. Especially if this man is in your family. Picture it: It’s you and your lady, sharing your first Christmas together when cousin Jesse in his GQ-esque form and witty charm waltz through the front door. Next Christmas, you might be singing “Jesse’s Girl” to your eggnog. You did find a woman like that. Think about it.

2.) Do NOT post a picture containing a man who is better looking than you are.

This is both numbers one and two for a reason, yet many of you will still struggle with this instruction. Don’t do it. The minute I browse through enough of your photos to realize which dude you are, I am going to be so disappointed I will probably start eating bonbons. Nobody wants that.

3.) Your dating profile is not a country song.

Honesty is always the best policy. However, unless you’ve done something so treacherously unfathomable that you are confined to your current county and/or have to register with the law when you move, don’t write it in your profile. So your (in this order) dog, family member, friend or significant other has let you down, passed away and stolen your truck; save the saga for (at the very least) the first date.

4.) Unless you are IN high school, don’t talk about high school.

She is exactly as interested in how many goals you scored and bases you stole as you are in hearing her 20 minute soliloquy about how she and the manicurist finally decided between Rarest Red and Candy Apple.

5.) Puka Shells.

The year was 1999. A great year. I loved it, too, but that’s no reason to post a photo of yourself wearing puka shells.

6.) You are not a super hero.

The fact you wear shirts boasting the label of your favorite superhero or comic is not the problem. On the right guy, these shirts can even be adorable. The problem is we only get to see so many photos of you before meeting in person. Our correspondence with you is dependent upon how you stand out from the other hopefuls. The guy in the next profile could be wearing a suit or—yeah, it happens—a firefighter’s uniform. Don’t make us wonder if the Superman shirt was free with the purchase of your sheet set.

7.) Don’t be a player.

Fellas, when we see a dude with his arms around a hot girl, we’re not thinking: “Let me sign up to virtually chat with some of that.” We know you ain’t that hot. No matter how good you look (think you look), or how hot the concert girl is, crop her out of the photo. Yes, I’m familiar with the expression: “Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.” Are you familiar with the Brad Paisley song: “So Much Cooler Online?”

8.) Watch your mouth.

If your profile photo looks like you’re using your tongue to fetch some of your lunch from the inside of your bicuspid—don’t post it, bro. If your mouth is ajar in the photo, don’t post it, bro.

9.) You aren’t up for a role in Duck Dynasty.

Hello, razor? If you’re growing a beard 12 feet long, we ladies must wonder from whom or what you’re hiding. Is it from a bar of soap? Perhaps a baby mama? Don’t make us wonder if you have a parole officer.

10.) You are not Lassie.

So don’t post a dog as your main default photo unless you are VISIBLY holding the dog, which can be adorable by the way. Also, don’t post photos of someone else’s dog. Buy your own dog, man.

11.) Don’t make me search for you on PeopleofWalmart.com.

Enough said.

12.) Don’t post a photo of your broken-down ride.

The only women who would accept or refuse a date with you solely based on the car you drive are not worth dating. Here is how a normal woman will judge you based on photographs of the car you drive. In the case of a stupid car: We have to wonder if it’s got hydraulics, in which case we will not be able to drink our lattes peacefully while bouncing up and down at red lights. This poses a problem. In the case of a hot car: We think you’re vain with nothing better to do than love your car, which may mean we will not be allowed to drink our lattes while riding in the front seat, which would also pose a problem.

13.) You are not Ryan Reynolds.

Don’t use his photo. Thanks. And, yes, this one is personal. Someone in virtual date-o-sphere is presently trying to pass himself off as Ryan. Not on my watch, Broseph.