By HEATHER CATHLEEN COX
Staff Writer
reporter@sbnewspaper.com
Heather Cathleen Cox
We’ve all seen him at a nice restaurant and at a not-so-nice restaurant. He’s at the airport. He’s at the mechanic’s shop or lurking the aisles at your local grocer. He can be found behind a big fancy desk or even driving his Mama’s 1999 Ford Focus. It’s inarguable: The creepy dude wears many masks, none of which he has to visit a costume shop to purchase. However, with Halloween ensuing, here are a few tips to help single ladies differentiate the everyday creep from the trick-or-treaters.
The first creepy dude we will mention thinks of himself as a “baller” and will likely use slang terminology like, “Sup?” It’s not that he is too stupid to properly articulate the word “soup.” He actually means to say, “What is going on in your world?” He will don a very thin tank top and loose shorts, even in cold weather. To this creep, dressing up encompasses any ensemble fully covering his pectorals. His muscles, although pretty, will be more important than you are. So will the “ballers” with which he plays ball. Basketball will be (at least) a three-day-a-week hobby for the creepy baller. You’ll never be allowed to go, and as you watch the “secret” hand gestures he exchanges with “fellow-ballers,” their relationship will perplex you. They will refer to their brotherly love as a “bromance.” Their girlfriends will refer to it as annoying.
The gangster, another creep, will confuse you. The waistline of his shorts will be so far underneath his rear end, the shorts might actually look more like high-water pants. The gangster might wear a medallion around his neck or big diamond-looking jewelry. Sometimes, this person wears diamond-encrusted plates in his mouth. This is called a grill. A gangster might approach you with a slow stride that looks like one leg is longer than the other, but alas, this walk is intentional. He calls it’s a “swagger.” It looks to a woman of dignity more like a “stagger.”
A “gangster/gangsta” will call you “Ma,” whether or not you are his mother or the mother to his children, which will make you wonder what he calls them. Many times, the gangster creep will wear an all white t-shirt and very clean tennis shoes. Almost all the time, he will be wearing too much cologne.
I remember my first encounter with a “scrub,” another variety of creep. I was 17, working at a kiosk in the mall when the scrub creep approached me on behalf of his friend. He upturned his head like there was a pain in his jaw and said in a muffled tone, “My bro be wanna holla a’tchu.” I looked at him like he was a non-English speaker, and he shuffled around my booth staring at his feet. Finally, I understood that this was intended to be some sort of mating ritual, at which time I alerted one of my friends in mall security.
Be on the look-out for scrubs while you are driving. They are one of the only known creeps that chase prey while operating a motor vehicle. A scrub will motion at you with his hands, requesting that you roll down your windows – not because your gas tank is open, but in an attempt to obtain a date. Scrubs rarely have good (if any) jobs and the vehicle used in such drive-bys might actually belong to their mom.
The business creep is always on the prowl, whether or not he has a beautiful woman on his arm. He’ll stare at you, as though he thinks he’s sly. In actuality, this is called gawking, and when done through bushes or windows, it is a crime. This creep will approach when you’re with your girlfriends, after eavesdropping, and lead with something he overheard you say you like. If he’s got a woman with him, he will approach when she is in the restroom. According to him, they will always be just friends. If he’s got a wife, their marriage is always on the rocks.
The business creep will talk about how awesome his car is, how great his job is, how expensive his clothes are, and he will not take a hint when you refuse to give him your personal information. In fact, when you excuse yourself to the restroom to send an emergency text to your best guy friend, begging him to please stop by and pretend to be your jealous husband, the business creep will harass your chattiest girlfriend for said information. This creep might be outwardly demure and wearing an expensive suit, but consider it sheepskin draped across a wolf.
The last type of creepy dude we’ll discuss is the pervert, arguably the most obnoxious of all the types. The pervert can make “Hi, how are you?” into a sexual innuendo. When the perv first meets a woman, he will say something like, “Are you an interior decorator? Because when you walked in, you instantly made the room look better.” He’ll work diligently to discover one of her interests and will later suffocate her with it. Let’s say he sees his victim drinking coffee. He now loves coffee. He wants to take her for coffee, never-minding she is already drinking a cup. He also makes a big deal about the fact that he will pay for her next cup. All $2 of it. The pervert won’t think before he talks. He will be boorish and lascivious, discussing body parts and bathroom humor. He has mastered the lingering hug: a hug that’s not pinpointably (yes, I just made up that word) wrong yet still deemed as wrong by all parties concerned. A pervert can be almost any age, and his attire will vary. Young perverts can conceal their inner-creep for a short while, especially when attempting to do so – though many won’t care enough to try. The older he gets, the more likely a pervert is to let his inner-creep shine, anywhere at any time. Although this makes him intolerable, at least he is more easily recognizable.
If you know someone who is dating any one of the aforementioned varieties of creepy dudes, or perhaps another variety, have an intervention. If you are dating one, take this article to your best friend (if she’s anything like mine, she will slap you with it. Love ya, Stacy!). If you are this dude, you should be ashamed of yourself. You should also be told: No respectable woman wants to date you.
Read this story in the Oct. 28 edition of the San Benito News, or subscribe to our E-Edition by clicking here.
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