CONSIDER THIS: The Biggest Lesson

By MICHAEL RODRIGUEZ
Managing Editor
editor@sbnewspaper.com

Michael Rodriguez

Michael Rodriguez

I was catching up with a good friend over lunch on Wednesday when I noticed that I had the attention of a small audience. It’s not as though there was anything particularly unusual about where I was or what I was doing. I was simply enjoying a delightful conversation with my buddy when I observed at least four rubberneckers gawking at me.

Being self-conscious of my weight, I’ve become accustomed to stares, and I suppose this is also why I’ve learned to laugh at myself. For instance, my thoughts at the time are an accurate depiction of the self-deprecating humor I’ve adopted as a defense mechanism.

To be specific, I thought to myself, “Oh God, I’m already a big piece of (expletive), and now I’m eating at a Chinese buffet…what they must think of me.”

After scolding myself for using profane language, I wondered if I would’ve done the same thing if the tables were turned. My honest answer is…I don’t know. Granted, I probably stick out like a sore thumb, so much that I may as well have donned mariachi attire with winklepickers and sported a deathhawk – sans the sombrero, of course. What I can’t do is judge, especially since I have no way of determining whether their fixation was innocent or malevolent, and I also can’t begrudge them their curiosity.

But before I continue, I feel I should backtrack a bit and, for the sake of perspective, reveal my brainwork.

I realize that I’ve written about this very subject in the past, though it’s important to note now that my excessive weight remains an issue that I’m still coming to terms with. What I’ve rarely shared is the fact that I’ve been overweight for a relatively short time in my life. When I dream, for example, I’m me again – 170 pounds and confident. This is because, and I hope this makes sense, who I’ve become is still very new to me.

Waking to a sobering reality every day is a constant torment, but one I need to embrace if I plan on continuing my efforts to change. This is why I’ll never forget certain things like the stares, the criticism and regrets I’m not above succumbing to on occasion.

Consider the following comment – unedited for emphasis – anonymously submitted in response to one of my recent columns on sbnewspaper.com: “hey moron…read the Constitution carefully and you will know that there is no such thing as separation of church and state…must of been feeding your fat face and missed that part.”

The fact that the comment, which has been deleted, is incorrect is beside the point. Obviously, this is a troll whose goal on the website is to flamebait from a position of cowardice, hence its deletion from sbnewspaper.com. However, it’s also venom that proves, at least in my case, that self-acceptance can’t be achieved until you’ve hit rock bottom.

Imagine you’re me for a day and you have to live with a grotesque version of yourself – a fat suit, if you will, in which you’re imprisoned. You’re subjected to snide remarks, jokes about your weight that are exclusively funny to one person (and it’s not you), and, of course, the eyes of judgment following you almost anywhere. You’re called fat and even feel hated and mocked for your appearance. While it’s natural to feel sorry for yourself, you also know better than to fall into bouts of self-pity. And that’s when it happens – a revelation.

From enmity, self-acceptance is achieved because of the realization that, no matter what you look like, you’ll never be uglier than the world. It’s for this reason that I say thank you to the anonymous person in question for not only becoming the source of my inspiration for this column, but for teaching me – albeit inadvertently – the biggest lesson I’ve learned this week.

P.S. Although I realize this is one of my more personal entries, I hope our readers consider these intimate thoughts a refreshing departure from San Benito’s political embroilment; and if for nothing else to set an example of transparency. After all, how can I expect our public servants and elected officials to bear all if I’m not doing the same.

 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.sbnewspaper.com/2014/08/29/consider-this-the-biggest-lesson/

1 comment

    • Purple Thunder on September 3, 2014 at 3:24 pm
    • Reply

    “When I see your smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, because you’re amazing just the way you are.”
    Bruno Mars

    “You are beautiful no matter what they say”.
    Christina Aguilera

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.